


what a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you

by renhyuck (thereisnoreality)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Inspired by Poetry, M/M, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Polyamory, alcohol is the only reason anyone in this fic communicates at all, donghyuck is a soft boi, renjun is a sad boi, that's it that's the fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-04
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-22 03:35:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17655275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thereisnoreality/pseuds/renhyuck
Summary: “You’ve left your fingerprints on my heart,” Renjun confesses, a quiet truth of what he’d known for a very long time. That Donghyuck had scorched his mark on Renjun in the most permanent way, something that burned Renjun up from the inside, made him ache like nothing else ever had. “You’ve made me utterly yours.”





	1. reasons not to kiss him:

**Author's Note:**

> after months of not writing I return!! victorious in my battle against writer's block!  
> first things first, this is inspired off a [poem](http://fondlylupin.tumblr.com/post/134742840917/reasons-to-not-kiss-him-1-you-werent-raised-to) and I highly recommend you read it before reading this fic. the fic is a two shot, so the other chapter will follow sometime in the next week.  
> secondly this fic would not have existed without my amazing beta, vicky, who is the best cheerleader and comma inserter I could have wished for.  
> thirdly, this fic is very near and dear to my heart, and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. 
> 
> and as ever, a [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/thereisnoreality/playlist/59Nq15XqwJ4lvGe0XAwP5y?si=1lxu5xIZRUqtCeOzLkDztg)

 

_1\. you weren’t raised to love tender_

 

“Do you have to go?” Donghyuck asks just as Renjun starts packing up his things.

 

“I can’t skip class,” Renjun says, deliberately not looking at Donghyuck’s pout. Donghyuck knows his strengths and he uses them well. “My professor takes attendance.”

 

Donghyuck sighs, pout fading. He drops his head on his outstretched arm, laid out on the table, and watches Renjun zip up his bag. “We still on for tonight?”

 

Renjun nods. They’ve got a standing appointment in his apartment with all their friends for movie night every Friday, and to this date, none of them have missed a night. It makes Renjun fonder of his friends all the more, makes him want to cling to them for as long as he can, though he’d never admit to it out loud. Donghyuck sits up as Renjun stands and pushes in his chair, and tugs at the hem of his shirt, pulling him around the side of their study table closer to him. Renjun glances down at him as Donghyuck peers back up at him, eyes wide and hair puffy from being pressed against his arm. “What?” He asks when Donghyuck says nothing, just watches him.

 

Something flashes in Donghyuck’s eyes, and he lets go of Renjun’s shirt. “Nothing,” he says quietly, leaning back in his chair and fiddling with the zipper on his hoodie. “You’re going to be late for class.”

 

Renjun swallows down around the familiar fear rising in his throat and leans down to tug Donghyuck’s hood around his head, hands sliding down to cup his cheeks when he’s done. “Stay warm,” he says. “It’s cold outside.”

 

Donghyuck blinks at him for a second, eyes impossibly wide, before the apprehension melts into a smirk. “You’re so _tsundere_ ,” he says, and Renjun pretends he can’t hear the happiness in his tone. It’ll make him want to stay and his o-chem professor will definitely take it out on him if he does. Donghyuck pats Renjun’s hands, still on his cheeks, and pulls back. “Go on, Jun-ah, I’ll see you tonight.”

 

When Renjun steps out into the snowy afternoon, he keeps his hands out of his pockets, letting the cold wind brush across them. They burn all the way to class.

  
  


Donghyuck is a dangerous person to meet during college. He is a burning distraction when Renjun cannot afford to be distracted, and Renjun despises the way his mind wanders during class, to the curve of Donghyuck’s smile, to the stars dotting his skin, to him, him, him. Renjun wasn’t raised to be sentimental or kind or soft or any of the traits he sees shine out of Donghyuck on a daily basis. Renjun was raised to put his career first and everything else second. Renjun didn’t have time for friendship - wasn’t _allowed_ friendship - until he met Jeno and clung on so tightly, no one could pull them apart, and then he didn’t have time for anyone else after that. Until Donghyuck. Donghyuck who tripped and fell into his life with the brightest smile and the prettiest laugh, who made Renjun fall just as hard back.

  


It’s even colder when he finally gets out of class to head home. Nights come quicker in the evenings these days, and are slower to leave in the mornings. It makes Renjun slow to wake up and quick to go sleep but that’s not anything new. Sleep is an unattainable constant these days and he clings to every little bit he can get.

 

Jaemin’s already back when Renjun gets home, kicking off his shoes cleanly onto the rack and crossing into the living room where Jaemin’s sat curled up on the couch, flicking through their shared Netflix with a fist propping up his cheek. Jeno’s clattering around in the kitchen making a horrific noise and Renjun sticks his head in just to make sure nothing’s on fire. It wouldn’t be the first time.

 

“What are you doing?” Renjun asks and pitches forward just in time to catch the full bowl tipping dangerously from the crook of Jeno’s elbow. “Be careful!”

 

“I am, I am!” Jeno cries, clutching the other three bowls to his chest.

 

“You couldn’t take two trips?” Renjun scolds, taking another bowl from his other elbow and turning back around to their living room, hissing when the hot soup spills onto his thumb.

 

“This is faster,” Jeno says sheepishly, handing Jaemin a bowl and heading back to the kitchen to get the other three bowls still sitting on the counter.

 

“And dumber,” Renjun mutters, and judging by the tongue Jeno sticks out at him, he hears it. “Where’s Donghyuck and Mark?”

 

“Still in their apartment,” Jaemin mutters, engrossed in a trailer for a Netflix movie, which from what Renjun can see, looks frankly terrible.

 

Their keypad clicks open and Mark comes in, focused on his phone with a little frown on his face.

 

“Food’s ready,” Jeno chimes, lightly knocking into Mark as he passes by him and Renjun hisses in warning as one of the three bowls wobbles dangerously from his hand.

 

“Yeah, I’m coming,” Mark says, absentmindedly kicking off his shoes and falling onto the couch, still staring at his phone.

 

“What’s wrong?” Jaemin asks, finally tearing his eyes away from the tv to cast Mark a worried look.

  
Mark sighs, letting the phone fall to his lap and leaning back against the couch, rubbing at his eyes. “Nothing, it’s nothing.”

 

“You sure?” Renjun presses, just once, to see if Mark wants to talk about it, but Mark just shakes his head and slumps lower into the cushions. All three of them share a glance but let it drop. The door opens for the second time and Donghyuck slides in, in his pajamas, with his arms thrown around Jisung and Chenle.

 

“Look who I found skulking outside the door,” he crows, slipping across the hardwood floor to land squarely on top of Mark, shoving neatly into the small space between him and Renjun. Even with Donghyuck snuggling up to him, Renjun can feel the way Mark tenses when Jisung and Chenle come to curl up at the foot of the couch. He gives Mark another questioning glance but Mark just shakes his head a fraction and slips down onto the floor to join his boyfriend.

 

“How was class?” Mark murmurs, a small smile sliding onto his face when Chenle immediately curls into him, pinching his cheeks in greeting and steadfastly ignoring Jisung’s gagging noises. Renjun’s about to turn away when he notices Jisung’s previously disgusted expression melt into something that could only be described as an overwhelming amount of fondness. It sparks something in the back of his mind, but it’s quickly lost as his attention gets drawn back to Donghyuck who’s attacking his noodle soup with a single-minded intensity.

 

“How was your class?” Donghyuck asks around a mouthful of soup as Jeno comes in, dropping a pile of blankets onto the trio on the floor and flicking half their lights off.

 

“Fine,” Renjun murmurs, getting his own bowl and absentmindedly swiping at Donghyuck’s chin, catching the soup drops before it hits his white hoodie. He freezes when he realises what he’s doing and meets Donghyuck’s wide eyes, hand still caught on Donghyuck’s chin. Renjun’s thumb burns.

 

“What movie?” Jeno calls, startling both of them as the room explodes into discussion and Renjun yanks his hand away, his heart beating too fast all of a sudden.

 

This wasn’t supposed to happen. This wasn’t allowed to happen to him. He wasn’t allowed to fall into Donghyuck like this, when all that he would eventually do was hurt him. Because Renjun wasn’t brought up knowing how to love. Love had been burned out of him a long time ago.

 

  
  
  
_2\. when he’s around all you do is tremble. when he’s around you want to get on your knees. look how much power he has over you. it’s dangerous._

 

Going to parties with their whole group is always a dangerous activity. After the Jeno Tequila Incident of Last Year, they’ve all collectively agreed to have one sober person to be the voice of reason and Renjun is half grateful, half not, when it ends up being Chenle and not him. Because what better way is there to suppress all his pesky emotions than to get drunk?

 

“That’s really not healthy,” is all Jeno says about it as they pile into the elevator to get to Jungwoo and Yukhei’s apartment. It’s a weird coincidence that most of their friend group lives in the same apartment: Mark and Donghyuck just across the hall, Yukhei and Jungwoo just two floors up. Chenle and Jisung are the only exception in that they still live in the dorms. It’s useful though because Renjun rarely has to change out of his pajamas if he has to meet up with them.

 

Renjun shrugs, trying not to smile at the way Donghyuck is exaggeratedly pouting in the elevator mirror checking his lip gloss and ignoring the tired look Mark is sending his way. “It’s whatever,” he dismisses. “I’m dealing with it.”

 

“You’ve just proven that you really aren’t,” Jeno points out, but the elevator doors open and they all tumble out in a pile, Jaemin leading the way and loudly warning Jisung about how many shots he’s allowed to take. Renjun ignores him.

  
  


Jungwoo’s apartment is crowded, definitely over capacity, and smoke hangs thick in the air. It’s a little better in the kitchen and Renjun had escaped there not long after they’d arrived, not in the mood for dancing or being witness to whatever weird mating ritual Jaemin and Jungwoo were engaged in. Renjun can already feel the smoke sinking into his clothes and he sighs, plucking the overfull glass from Jeno’s unresisting fingers and downing it in one go, no longer grimacing at the taste. After some point when you’re drunk, everything ceases to have taste. Jeno doesn’t notice, too focused on following Yukhei’s figure around the apartment with sad eyes.

 

“You should go talk to him,” Renjun half yells, leaning into Jeno’s shoulder and stumbling.

 

Jeno balances him without even looking. “I will,” he says. “Soon.”

 

Renjun rolls his eyes and takes a long drag on the quickly dwindling blunt in his hand. He drops it into the sink and watches it fizzle out sadly on the metal. “Soon never comes with you. How are you going to ever get what you want if you never take any chances?”

 

Jeno turns to look at him, and Renjun blinks several times up at him, trying to get his eyes to focus. “Are you really lecturing me about chances, Injunnie?” He asks lowly, and yet, somehow, Renjun can still hear him over the pounding bass.

 

Renjun stares at him. It’s too hot in the kitchen now, and they’re standing far too close and Jeno’s eyes are far too knowing for Renjun to handle. “I’m going to dance,” he mutters, pushing his empty cup into Jeno’s chest and walking away before Jeno can say anything else that makes Renjun hate him for being his friend.

  


Mark Lee, for all his uprightness and studiousness, is a fucking delight when he’s drunk and it makes it easier for Renjun to follow him shot for shot, feeling the alcohol swell up, crashing over him in waves until he’s entirely loose-limbed, not really feeling in control of his body.

 

It’s in this state that he stumbles down the empty hallway to the bathroom, desperately craving cold water on his face. He bumps into Donghyuck coming out of the bathroom and stumbles back immediately, his back hitting the opposite wall.

 

Donghyuck says something, but over the sound of the music Renjun can’t hear it and he screws his face up in confusion.

 

“What?”

 

“Where have you been?” Donghyuck yells, wrapping his fingers around Renjun and tugging him back into the bathroom so they can hear each other. The sounds from outside muffle abruptly, like Renjun’s jumped into a pool, everything coming at him murkier, less aggressive.

 

“It’s not like I left.” Renjun mumbles, leaning over the sink and splashing water in his face. The chill hits him in the face and travels down his spine, making him shiver. When he glances up into the mirror, Donghyuck is leaning against the opposite wall, lazily taking a drag from the blunt loosely held in his fingers. “The apartment only has like two bedrooms.”

 

Donghyuck pouts, sliding his fingers into Renjun’s belt loops and swings him around, patting his face dry gently with the sleeve of his flannel. “I wanted to dance with you,” he says, and Renjun tries to tell himself to pull away, to put distance between them. Instead, his eyes flutter shut and he sways into Donghyuck’s space.

 

“I’m too drunk to dance,” Renjun mutters, and before he can stop himself, his forehead is thunking down on Donghyuck’s shoulder.

Donghyuck sighs and Renjun can hear him take another drag, sending the smoke spinning around them. His free arm is wrapped around Renjun’s waist, keeping him steady. “You always say that.”

 

“It’s always true,” Renjun hums untruthfully before taking a deep breath and pulling away. It burns to be so close to Donghyuck and it burns to be away. He can’t tell the difference between the effect alcohol and Donghyuck have on him anymore. Both make him dizzy. Both make him tremble. Both make him burn. “I should go,” he says, eyes still closed. “Mark’s getting dangerously close to passing out.”

 

Donghyuck makes a noise and Renjun peels his eyes open with great strength. He can’t tell if this is reality anymore, or if he’s just dreaming. Donghyuck looks like a dream. “Jun-ah,” Donghyuck whispers, swinging an arm out to toss the blunt onto the counter, and in the same motion tugging Renjun back in. “Jun-ah.” It is a special kind of torture, Renjun thinks blurrily. Hearing his name come out of Donghyuck’s mouth so softly, as if he was afraid of blowing him away with the words.

 

Renjun stares at him, eyes roving over every detail of Donghyuck’s pretty face. “Yeah?” He asks hoarsely. The smoke hovers around them, and Donghyuck goes out of focus. The line between dream and reality blurs harder.

 

“Kiss me,” Donghyuck whispers.

 

“I shouldn’t,” Renjun says faintly. “Mark-”

“-can take care of himself,” Donghyuck interrupts. His hand travels up Renjun’s waist, trailing up his chest, briefly cups his cheek before tugging gently at Renjun’s earrings. He blinks wide-eyed at Renjun. “Are you going to make me ask again?”

 

“Yeah,” Renjun says, surprising himself. Weirdly he feels drunk and sober at the same time. Like the world is spinning around him but his feet are planted solidly on the ground. This is a bad decision, but Renjun’s just tired enough, just drunk enough that he doesn’t care. All he wants is to feel Donghyuck on him, around him. He wants so badly. He’s not allowed but oh, does he want. “Ask me again.”

 

Donghyuck’s lips part, and he stares at him before his expression melts into a sweet smile. God, the things Renjun would do for that smile. “Jun-ah,” he whispers, his hand falling back down to bracket Renjun’s waist. “Kiss me?”

 

Before he can even finish the sentence, Renjun falls into him, helpless, burning all over again. Presses his lips to the curve of Donghyuck’s neck, and tastes salt and something that vaguely tastes like whiskey. Donghyuck’s grip tightens on his waist, tugs him closer.

 

“Jun-ah… ” Donghyuck whispers faintly as if he doesn’t even realise he’s saying it, and Renjun smiles against his skin, drags his lips up to the curve of Donghyuck’s jaw. Presses another soft kiss there. Donghyuck trembles. Renjun burns.

 

Renjun pulls off to hover in front of Donghyuck, close enough for their noses to brush. He smiles sweetly, and Donghyuck stares at him, his eyes shining in the dim light of the bathroom, filling with an emotion that Renjun can’t name, doesn’t want to name. “Ask me again?” He mumbles cheekily, and it’s one last chance for him to pull away, for Donghyuck to push him away, though Renjun knows he never would. Donghyuck groans, low and in the back of his throat, and his fingers tighten impossibly on Renjun’s hips, his thumbs brushing underneath the fabric, lighting his skin on fire.

 

“Stop _teasing_ ,” and Donghyuck yanks Renjun towards him, as if Renjun hadn’t been hurtling towards him all this time, a helpless comet rushing into Donghyuck’s orbit, uncaring if he goes up in flame. The door slams open just before their lips touch and Mark stumbles in, on the verge of throwing up, Chenle and Jisung on his heels. “You’re so stupid!” Chenle shrieks as Mark collapses onto his knees. “Who told you to drink that much?” Jisung pushes past them to smooth his hand over Mark’s back, hissing at Chenle to calm down.

 

Mark groans out a response, and in the chaos Renjun pulls away from Donghyuck’s touch. Too close, he’d nearly given in. Too close. “Gotta go,” he mutters and escapes before Donghyuck can tug him back again, before he can make Renjun weak again.

 

The skin on his waist burns all the way home.

 

  
  
_3\. he’s too good at forgiving and you’re too good at violence_

 

Renjun is very good at a lot of things. He’s great at memorising seven units of bio the night before his midterm and getting an A. He’s good at cooking - because no matter what Jaemin claims, he still shovels it into his mouth at the end of the day - and he’s smart. Like, ‘pride of his home state’ smart. But what Renjun lays claim to as his greatest talent is his ability to repress.

 

It’s almost an innate talent at this point, honed from years of a distant childhood and a friendless school. Renjun’s great at repression. Usually he can get away with years of bad memories and feelings pushed so far down that he doesn’t remember what it feels like to _feel_ anymore. But some days, the bad outweighs his talent, and the feelings become too much to repress. They rise up in his throat, make him choke, make him want to scream, make him want to do anything to let it out.

 

It’s one of those bad days when Renjun gets out of class, the wind whipping around his thin hoodie, making him draw into himself. He’d gotten a lower grade than he’d liked on an important chemistry midterm, the interview for his hospital internship had been pushed back another two weeks, and he’d lost his lunch bag today which means he’s starving, so it’s just _not a good day._

 

By the time he slams into his apartment, his vision’s starting to blur and he can feel his breath coming fast in his lungs, and oh, Renjun’s scared.

 

Donghyuck’s sitting on the couch with Jaemin, bickering over some cooking show, when Renjun brushes past them to the fire escape.

 

“Renjun?” Donghyuck asks in a high voice, but Renjun ignores him, slamming the fire door behind him and climbing the stairs. He grabs the recycling bag of beer bottles still outside Jungwoo and Yukhei’s door from last week’s party and heads up to the roof. The blood is rushing too fast in his veins and he can feel himself starting to hyperventilate.

 

There’s only one person who’s seen him in this state. Before meeting Jeno, Renjun used to handle his attacks by burrowing under his covers and trying not to shatter apart from the screaming in his head, trying not to let his mother know there was another thing wrong with her already broken son. When he’d found out, Jeno had taken Renjun to the junkyard at the edge of their town, handed him a baseball bat, and had pointed him at the pile of broken sinks and counters.

 

“How is this supposed to make me feel better?” Renjun had demanded, wrapping shaking fingers around the base of the bat.

 

“Trust me,” Jeno had said, stepping back. “It will. Better than what you did before.”

 

Of course, Jeno isn’t here now, off on some retreat with his swimming club, but Renjun knows how to operate when he gets like this. How to contain himself so that he won’t hurt anyone but himself. And maybe a couple of empty beer bottles.

 

He sets the bag down on the rough concrete and takes a glinting bottle out, considering it in the fading light before flinging it at the concrete-covered wall that makes up part of the entrance to the roof. The bottle shatters, glass shards flying everywhere, and Renjun takes a shaky breath, stepping sideways to grab another bottle and watching the glass crunch underneath his booth.

 

He repeats it over and over again until his arm hurts and breathing comes easier. Until he can’t feel the blood rush in his ears anymore. Until a shard from the last bottle flies back at him and slices his cheek open. Renjun lets out a broken gasp and drops the intact bottle from his fingers, stumbles back until he hits the opposite wall and slides down, breathing properly for the first time that day.

 

He stays there until the light has completely faded from the sky, and he’s left in the dark, still staring at the mess of broken bottles. It’s only when he can’t see anymore that Renjun hauls himself up and climbs wearily back down. The cut on his cheek has stopped bleeding and Renjun can feel the dried blood tug at the skin on his neck.

 

Jaemin’s mouth drops open when he walks back into the kitchen to find the bandages, and Donghyuck drops the spoon he’d been holding. “Again?” Jaemin demands, pained, but Renjun can’t bring himself to answer and just pushes past them to get to the heavily stocked first aid kit Jaemin had kept in their kitchen ever since the first time Jeno tried to cook.

 

“Give that to me,” Donghyuck says quietly, tugging the kit out of his hands and directing him to the couch. Renjun sits there dully, staring at nothing, as Donghyuck washes his hands and meets him with rubbing alcohol and wipes. “Are you okay now?”

 

“Fine,” Renjun says, but he’s not sure any sound comes out. He’s exhausted. Horribly, terribly exhausted.

 

Donghyuck swims into his field of vision with a worried look on his face. “This is gonna hurt,” he whispers, before tapping the soaked cotton ball over Renjun’s cheek. Renjun doesn’t even wince. The ability to feel has been buried again and he welcomes the numbness. Renjun waits until Donghyuck’s pulled back before he gets up and walks to his room, curling up under the covers and tugging the blanket over his head.

 

“C-can I do anything?” Donghyuck asks, and Renjun can hear him hovering. Can picture the way he’s wringing his hands, the way he’s probably biting his lips, worsening the chapped skin.

 

“Can you text Jeno for me?”

 

“Yeah,” Donghyuck says. “I can do that.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

Renjun hears Donghyuck shuffle around a bit more before he quietly shuts the door. “No need to thank me.” Is all he says before leaving Renjun in blissful quiet.

 

Leaving him to the demons in his head.

  
  
  
_4\. you know what they say about monsters. you know what happens to boys who love them. are you going to do that to him?_

 

Renjun wakes up at dawn. The sunlight filters in through the open window, the curtains fluttering faintly in the chilling breeze that wafts over him, and he can hear the chirping of birds faintly. It’s calming, soothing. He closes his eyes and lays there, letting the sunlight wash against his skin, as if washing away his sins. If only it were that easy.

 

It’s well past seven when he hauls himself out of bed, with creaky bones and aching joints, feeling as if he’d run a marathon the day before.

 

Renjun spends the next hour painstakingly sweeping the roof for broken glass, making sure to get any large pieces he can find before sticking a post-it note on the inside of the access door warning about broken glass. It’s only when he’s heading downstairs to the recycling, a large bag of broken glass rattling in his hand, that he bumps into Donghyuck making his way back up, a handful of letters in his hand. He pauses two steps above Donghyuck, not knowing what to say. What do you say to the person you like - adore? crave? desperately want? - after they’ve seen you in the worst breakdown you’ve had in years?

 

“You’re awake?” Donghyuck sounds surprised. “I thought you’d sleep the day away.”

 

“Had to clean up,” Renjun says, holding up the bag in explanation, and he’s surprised to hear his voice come out clear and strong. As if he hadn’t been broken last night, as if he hadn’t been shattering into pieces on that rooftop along with a hundred used beer bottles. “Why are you awake so early?”

 

Donghyuck smiles. He looks painfully soft in the early morning light, with his favourite white hoodie drawn up around his puffy hair and faded old pajama pants that Renjun knows were his brother’s by the way they pool around his feet, far too long for him. He’s still got some eyeliner smudged in the corners of his eyes where the cleanser couldn’t reach, and his lips are painfully chapped. He’s still the most beautiful thing Renjun has ever known. “Couldn’t sleep.” Donghyuck says, stepping up onto the step Renjun is on, pausing for a second before making his way up. “Come over when you’re done, I’m making tea.”

  
  


A hushed, “Mark’s still asleep,” is what Donghyuck greets him with when Renjun knocks on his door. “I don’t want to wake him up, he’s been having trouble sleeping lately.”

 

“Why?” Renjun asks, casting a look at Mark’s closed door. He’s noticed as well, how Mark’s been more withdrawn lately and how the bags under his eyes have been darkening.

 

Donghyuck purses his lips and hands Renjun a steaming mug of green tea before curling up on the couch with his back to the armrest, tucking his feet under himself. “I think he’s having some issues with his scholarship,” he says quietly, then blinks at Renjun in quiet surprise. “But don’t mention that to anyone, okay? He didn’t want me to tell anyone.”

 

Renjun shrugs his agreement and takes a grateful sip of the tea, letting the warmth trickle down to his toes, settling some strange emotion that’d been rattling around in his chest.

 

They sit there quietly, the silence only broken by the clinking of mugs and Donghyuck’s gentle humming. Renjun watches the sun rise higher in the sky, quietly observes the light creep across the floor, as it washes Donghyuck in gold. The sight snatches his breath away.

 

Donghyuck turns to look at him and Renjun has to fight not to flinch, not to glance away. “Do you want to talk about yesterday?” Donghyuck asks him. Always direct, never harsh. Sometimes Renjun wishes he was, then it wouldn’t hurt as much to push him away.

 

“No,” Renjun says, setting his mug down on his thigh. The bottom burns through his sweats and he focuses on the sensation, grounds himself to it. “I handled it.”

 

“That you did,” Donghyuck says, prickly. His nose scrunches up as he takes another angry sip and Renjun lets out a quiet laugh.

 

Donghyuck blinks up at him, shocked, and Renjun laughs again. There’s something swelling in his chest, filling him with fondness for the pretty boy sitting across him, looking like a disgruntled kitten. “Don’t worry about me,” Renjun says, and he can’t help the smile that spreads across his face at Donghyuck’s pursed lips.

 

“I can’t help it,” Donghyuck says. “You make me worry more about you than anyone else.”

 

That sobers Renjun up. His smile falters as he glances down at his thighs and brings the cup back up to his mouth. It’s a reminder, those words. That no matter how much a show he puts on, Donghyuck already knows how fucked up he is. That no matter what he does, he’ll drag Donghyuck down with him if he doesn’t stop soon.

 

“You shouldn’t,” is all he says, draining the cup and setting it on the table in front of them. He looks up to meet Donghyuck’s eyes and clenches his jaw. “I’m only going to hurt you in the end.” Renjun’s not being dramatic or self-sacrificing, he’s telling the truth. A statement based off previous experiences. A simple fact. Renjun hurts those who love him. It happened to his father. It happened to Jeno. And he’s not ready for it to happen to Donghyuck.

 

Donghyuck twists his lips, a small bitter smile curling around that perfect mouth. He meets Renjun’s eyes squarely, but Renjun sees his fingers tremble around the cup. “Well,” he says lightly, “I guess we’ll just have to see, won’t we?”

 

“I’m not ready to take that chance,” Renjun says, and his voice is trembling now, just as much as Donghyuck is.

 

He’s bathed in sunlight. In gold. His lips, those _lips_ , tilt up. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.  “I am.”

 

 

_5\. your hands don’t know how to be gentle. think about the last beautiful thing that shattered in your palms. the fresh rosebuds crumbling between your fingers like a bruise. you wolf-boy, you war machine. you wouldn’t know how to hold something magic and not destroy it._

 

When Renjun was young, he made the headlines, the front page of a famous newspaper, the breaking story on the news channel. It wasn’t national news, but the car accident had been shocking enough that his yearbook picture from fourth grade had been plastered all over the state news programs for at least a week. Their town’s beloved dentist and his son involved in a horrifying car crash. Both were stuck under the crumpled car for a day and a half until firefighters could pull the car apart without the half destroyed engine blowing everyone to shreds. The boy made it out. The father didn’t. A tearjerker story truly made for the 8pm news.

 

Life after that had not been kind to Renjun Huang. He’d remained in the hospital for a week, being treated for several broken bones before he was dismissed home, to remain until school had ended that year and summer had swept his friends away.

 

It took Renjun six years before he could get in a car again.

  


When Renjun was twelve, he spent his days bored out of his mind during the lonely summertime, and his nights waking up screaming from watching and rewatching the firefighters pull his father’s mangled body from the wreck in his nightmares. His mother sent him to his grandparents’ house, across the world to the middle of Nowhere, China to give herself some peace and quiet, as well as hoping that her son would come back put together.

 

Renjun could have told her himself that three months in the Chinese countryside, waking up at dawn every morning to help his grandmother run her peach farm, would not cure Renjun. But he and his mother hardly spoke anymore, so it wouldn’t have made much of a difference. And Renjun found it harder and harder during those days to waste breath on meaningless words.

 

His mother talked to him once during his stay, and by the end of the conversation, Renjun had broken the plastic covering around the blocky home phone with his hand.

 

When he went back, they rarely exchanged words again.

  
  


When Renjun was sixteen, he met Jeno, and it was like taking a gulp of clean, fresh air after breathing in coal dust for seven years. Jeno was easy to please and didn’t take offense when Renjun snapped at him. When Renjun was sixteen, he’d had his first kiss. When Renjun was sixteen, he hurt the first person he’d cared about in years. Jeno would always claim it was an accident, but Renjun would never forgive himself. Sixteen was a year for discovering things, in all of their awful truths and painful memories. When Renjun was sixteen, he realised that he could never let another person love him again. He would only hurt them in the end.

  
  


When Renjun was eighteen, and sinking under the newness of college, under the weight of loneliness, of having to deal with himself, he met the person who’d break the rule he’d set for himself two years ago. Who’d knock gently on Renjun’s walls and invite himself in when Renjun let a crack form in them. Who was unafraid of Renjun, of getting hurt by him, of loving him.

  
  


When Renjun turns twenty, he falls in love with sunshine and gold, with someone who he’s destined to hurt. It terrifies him.

 

 

  
_6\. if you hurt him it might kill you_

 

Jisung, Jaemin, and Jeno’s dance team holds a showcase every winter, and as the token roommate, Renjun’s forced to attend. He’d go even if he wasn’t, because watching the dance team on stage is truly a marvel. All of them tag along, Mark being the only exception, and it doesn’t escape Renjun’s notice how withdrawn Chenle seems to be all evening, how he keeps checking his phone. He doesn’t say anything because he’s not sure what to say. He’s not as close to Chenle as Jisung or Donghyuck are, but it doesn’t stop him from being worried.

 

Donghyuck seems to notice as well, because at the end of the show he tugs Chenle to the bathroom. Renjun watches them go before turning to head backstage, arriving just in time to witness the painful image of Jaemin making Jisung pout at him in exchange for snacks. Jisung caves, obviously.

 

When Donghyuck and Chenle return, Chenle makes a beeline for Jisung, murmuring something low at him and Jisung nods, an indecipherable expression flashing across his face. Donghyuck props his chin up on Renjun’s shoulder and wraps his arms around him from behind.

 

“You going to tell me what that was about?” Renjun mutters, keeping his voice low as they wait for the others to get changed. They’ve sunk into a strange peace, him and Donghyuck. Donghyuck pretends he doesn’t know that Renjun’s terrified of hurting him, and Renjun pretends he won’t end up doing so. It’s an uneasy truce and Renjun keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop. Keeps waiting for Donghyuck to pull away, to decide he isn’t worth the effort. It hasn’t happened yet, but that doesn’t mean it won’t ever happen.

 

Donghyuck sighs, and the warm air ruffles the back of Renjun’s neck, makes him shiver. “I’m not aiding your gossipy tendencies.”

 

Renjun snorts. “I think you might be confusing me with yourself.” He can feel from the way that Donghyuck’s mouth is pressed against his neck that he’s smiling, and Renjun has to close his eyes for a second, has to steady himself.

 

Donghyuck stays plastered to him all the way to the McDonald’s two blocks down the street from their school’s auditorium. Jisung, Jeno, and Jaemin have been under a strict diet the last few weeks, and are raring to order every single item on the menu to devour under an hour. They find a booth while the other three, along with Chenle, head up to the counter, a strange gleam in their eyes that worries Renjun a little, but not enough to stop them.

 

“Where’s Mark?” Renjun asks.

 

Donghyuck’s fingers still from where they’ve been playing with the salt packets, and he turns to look at Renjun. They’ve squeezed themselves against the wall at the end of the booth, bodies pressed together despite the others not having arrived yet, and Renjun has to swallow around the block in his throat, struggles to remember how to breathe. Fluorescent white lights are not a flattering look on anyone, but Donghyuck makes it work, seems to glow an otherworldly colour as he gazes at Renjun.

 

“I told you,” Donghyuck says, drawing back minutely and turning his gaze back to the crumpled salt packets. The spell shatters and Renjun sucks in a deep breath, suddenly feeling shaky. “He’s having problems with his scholarship.” He glances at the counter with a little frown. Jisung has his arms thrown around Chenle, mindlessly backhugging him, affection he’d rather die than show to anyone else. “I think he and Chenle are fighting. Have been for a couple weeks now.”

 

Renjun considers this. He’s sure he’s not qualified to give any sort of relationship advice given that he can’t even kiss the boy he likes, but he tries anyway. “And Jisung?” He asks tentatively.

 

Donghyuck eyes shoot up at him, sharp and knowing all of a sudden. “Another problem,” he says, and there’s something that rings of a brewing storm in his eyes. “Mark’s much too emotionally dense to even realise one boy likes him, let alone two. Even when one of them is already his boyfriend.”

 

Renjun digests this, flicking back to Jisung who’s now grinning at Chenle as he chatters away, the fond look in his eyes easy to spot even from here. “Two,” he says. “Jisung likes Mark?”

“I was just as shocked as you,” Donghyuck informs him placidly. “How does a dork like Mark attract someone like Jisung?” He shoots a cutting look at Renjun. “Don’t you dare tell him I said that.”

 

“Scary,” Renjun comments, glancing back at him. “You’re right, that is going to be a problem.” He doesn’t add that he doesn’t want to be anywhere near it when it explodes.

 

“You’re smarter than you let on, you know,” Donghyuck says, eyeing him, and Renjun tries not to feel affronted. He doesn’t believe in himself much but he’s certain about his intelligence. Donghyuck catches his expression and his knowing gaze melts into a laugh. “I mean emotionally, dumbass,” he giggles. “Don’t look so betrayed.”

 

Renjun looks away, embarrassed and a little stressed at the way Donghyuck’s cheeks look under the lights, soft and crinkling up his eyes. “Oh shut up,” he mutters. It’s a poor response but Donghyuck just lets out a fond laugh and presses closer against Renjun as the others crowd in around them, unloading tray after tray of greasy burgers and fries.

 

Renjun watches Donghyuck discreetly throughout the night, watches the way he throws back his head to laugh, and the way he scrunches his nose up. He’s unbearably beautiful and Renjun aches at it. Aches at the fear clawing up his throat at what might happen to him if he hurts this beautiful boy.

 

 

  
  
_7\. if you hurt him you might kill yourself_

 

It’s the middle of the night and Renjun is still awake. He’s spent hours counting imaginary sheep, drinking hot milk until he had to go to the bathroom, and then repeated it again, and it all comes to him lying in his bed at two am, staring dead-eyed up at the ceiling. After another fruitless twenty minutes, Renjun swings out of bed and pads out of his bedroom, pausing only to snatch his coat and his keys from the fruit bowl by the door as he walks out of the apartment, quietly locking the door behind him.

 

There’s a small park by their apartment that Renjun likes to walk in. Their whole group spends a lot of time there, and there’s a tiny pond in the centre where, during the summer, a family of ducks will gather and they’ll spend hours feeding them bread. Now, though, it’s silent and the wind is his only companion. Renjun ducks his nose into the neckline of his sweatshirt and shoves his hands into his pockets as he walks along the rim of the park. The lamp lights are dim and spaced far apart from each other that there’s a small period of time that Renjun’s walking in near darkness. It helps with the storm in his mind.

 

Just as he loops back around the trail and is about to cross the road back to the apartment, he spots a figure curled up on the bench and frowns. Carefully tugging the hood of his sweatshirt further up around his face, he moves forward, intending to pass by the figure fast enough to catch sight of their face, but he stops in his tracks when he sees Donghyuck pick his head up to glance at him.

 

“Donghyuck?” He asks disbelievingly, before realising that Donghyuck is crying. He doesn’t even realise he’s moved forward, that he’s dropped to his knees on the cold grass to catch sight of Donghyuck’s lowered face until the dew seeps into his pajamas. “Why are you crying?”

 

“Why are you awake?” Donghyuck asks in between hiccups, raising his head a little, and Renjun catches his face in his hands and swipes at the tears.  

 

“Why are _you_?” Renjun counters, ignoring the question.

 

Donghyuck just sniffles harder, and more tears spill down his cheeks. “It’s stupid.”

 

“Can’t be that stupid if you’re crying about it on a park bench at three am.”

 

Donghyuck hiccups again and blinks at Renjun. Renjun drops his hands to clutch at Donghyuck’s, wincing when he finds them absolutely freezing. “My mom went to the hospital tonight.”

 

“Oh,” Renjun says dumbly. He knows Donghyuck’s family lives across the country, way too far for Donghyuck to visit more than a couple times a year, and he knows how close Donghyuck is with them. “Is she okay?”

 

“It’s just a broken ankle,” Donghyuck says, voice breaking. “But,” he hesitates and Renjun waits, gently wiping the fresh tears that spill over. “They almost couldn’t pay the bill. She- she got a new job, and the insurance hadn’t kicked in yet, and my dad just barely scraped it together.” He sobs and Renjun rises from his knees just in time to catch Donghyuck in his arms, collapsing on the bench, as he cries harder before continuing in a wrecked voice. “And I kept thinking what I was doing to help. I’m doing fucking music, Renjun. How is that going to be there for my family when they need it? And I’m so far away from them, I’m not helping at all.”

 

“You are helping,” Renjun says helplessly, but Donghyuck just cries harder.

 

“I’m so selfish,” he whispers, voice cracking. “I’m so, so selfish and-”

 

“You’re not.” Renjun cuts in, firm for the first time. He holds Donghyuck tighter, trying to express all that he can’t put into words. “You’re the furthest thing from selfish. You’re amazing and so kind and you’ve helped every single one of us without question. You’re the least selfish person I know.”

 

Donghyuck shudders in his arms but he doesn’t seem to be crying as hard anymore. Renjun runs his hands up and down Donghyuck’s back, waiting for Donghyuck to breathe normally again. “I hate feeling useless,” he whispers so quietly that Renjun almost doesn’t catch it.

 

“I know,” Renjun says. “But I promise you, you’re not. You-” he hesitates before barreling on before he loses his nerve. “You’re not useless, not to me. You’re not selfish. You light up my life every day just by being in it. Would a selfish person do that?”

 

Donghyuck pulls away with a scoff, but it’s muted. He raises his face to meet Renjun’s eyes for the first time, and Renjun’s heart aches to see the tear tracks drying on his face. “How do I know you’re not lying?” He asks, scrubbing at his face.

 

“I never lie to you.”

 

Donghyuck drops his hands and looks at Renjun, sniffing as he does so. “I know.”

 

After a few minutes of silence, waiting for Donghyuck to calm down, Renjun stands up from the bench, bones aching as he does. His knees are freezing. He sticks a hand out to Donghyuck. Donghyuck blinks up at him, before sliding his freezing hand into Renjun’s, twining their fingers gently together. Renjun ignores the way his heart jumps at the gesture. “Come on,” he says, gently tugging Donghyuck up from his seat. “It’s cold, let’s go back in.”

 

Donghyuck nods, but he still looks sad. Renjun lets the silence cover them again, quietly boxing away his feelings in favour of watching Donghyuck’s face in the passing lamplights. It’s only when they’re in the elevator, basking in the sudden warmth that he speaks.

 

“You’re amazing, Hyuck,” he says quietly, tightening his fingers around Donghyuck’s. The nickname, unused for so long, burns at the back of his throat. “Your mom is so proud of you, I know she is. And you’re going to rule the world with your voice.” He looks up at Donghyuck, heart stuttering when he finds him looking right back him, blinking wetly in the bright lights of the elevator.

 

The elevator dings and they step out into the darkening hallway. It’s only then that Donghyuck speaks. “Come with me.” He tugs just barely on Renjun’s hand, light enough that if Renjun wasn’t paying attention, he wouldn’t have noticed. “Please?”

 

Renjun silently nods, letting Donghyuck lead him to his door, quietly unlocking it and tugging Renjun to the bedroom.

 

“Thank you,” Donghyuck whispers as they lie in the dark, curled up like commas, facing each other. Renjun can just about make out the outline of his face, the slow blink of his eyelashes, the way his tongue darts out to wet his lips. It’s a deeply catastrophic image to witness, especially lying in Donghyuck’s bed as he is.

 

Renjun closes his eyes. Tries to remember how to breathe. Tries to remember what’s holding him back from loving this boy with all his heart. Tries and tries. “Go to sleep,” he murmurs. “You’ve had a long night.”

 

There’s a touch at the edge of his hand resting on the pillow and Renjun flinches, not expecting it. He doesn’t open his eyes and Donghyuck pulls away briefly, before returning to twine his fingers with Renjun’s carefully and when Renjun doesn’t resist, curls them tighter around his.

 

Renjun takes a shaky breath. It’s three am, and he’s wide awake.

 

  
  
_8\. you are very bad at rehabilitation. this is one addiction you’d fail to give up. he’s going to ruin you for all other kisses and all other boys and you’ll spend the rest of your life trying to forget his name_

  


“We’re taking a break.”

 

All four of them turn to face Mark, curled up in the corner of their couch, knees pulled up to his chest.

 

Without thinking, Renjun glances over to the armchair where Donghyuck is squished in with Jeno, his legs thrown over Jeno’s thighs. Donghyuck catches his look and jerks his head slightly.

 

“You and Chenle?” Jaemin asks incredulously, and Mark makes an aborted noise, still staring at his knees. “Why?”

 

“He thinks I’m poor and worthless,” Mark mumbles and Jaemin makes an outraged noise.

 

“He didn’t say that,” Donghyuck snaps, cutting off Jaemin’s rant before it can start. “Don’t put words into his mouth.”

 

“How do you know what he said?” Jeno asks, face kind of squished into Donghyuck’s shoulder as Donghyuck sits up to stare accusingly at Mark.

 

“Oh, I heard the whole conversation from the privacy of my bedroom,” Donghyuck says, waving a hand. “It was terribly traumatising.”

 

“We didn’t know you were there,” Mark mutters but Donghyuck dismisses this with a snort.

 

“You can’t just drop a bomb like this and not explain,” Jaemin snaps, still looking furious on Mark’s behalf. Mark looks up at him and Renjun notes with shock that there are tears in his eyes. It throws them all off because Mark rarely cries. Jaemin looks taken aback for a second before he tentatively wraps an arm over Mark’s back and tugs him close.

 

Donghyuck takes over the explanation, looking horribly awkward in a way he never is. It turns out Mark _had_ lost his scholarship through a lack of funding in the program, and Chenle, figuring this out, had persuaded his parents into donating money to the school, to the specific scholarship Mark had lost. All without telling Mark. Mark had only found out because the letter that had detailed the specifics of his scholarship had mentioned the donors’ names.

 

“That’s not a bad thing, though?” Jeno asks, head propped on Donghyuck’s shoulder. “I mean-”

 

“His parents already hate me,” Mark snaps, curling into himself. “They think I’m going to drag Chenle down, that I’m a gold digger, and they’re _right_ , clearly. I don’t want their money. I don’t want _Chenle’s_ money. I was doing fine on my own.” His voice cracks on the last word and he falls silent. Even from where he’s sitting, Renjun can tell Mark’s digging his nails into his calves.

 

“They’re not right,” Renjun says firmly, speaking for the first time since Mark had opened his mouth. “Don’t start thinking that. And like it or not, Mark, you have the money now. You can’t exactly ask the school to rescind a scholarship, can you?”

“Think how much you would have to work to just stay afloat,” Donghyuck mumbles. “I know you hate it, but it’s a good thing, Mark.”

 

Mark just sucks in an angry, shuddering breath and curls tighter into Jaemin’s arms. “I don’t want to be dependent on someone else before my life has even begun. What kind of person does that make me?”

 

None of them have an answer.

  
  
  


While they’re close friends, their whole group is terrible at handling sincere conversations, and so when Jaemin suggests going out to get a few drinks, they all jump at the chance. They end up at a half-crowded club, where the energy is far too seedy and the lights far too dim for Renjun to really feel comfortable. Mark gets drunk the fastest, slumped over in the booth, and Renjun keeps an eye on him while the rest of them let loose on the dance floor.

 

“You should dance,” Mark slurs, propping his chin up on his hands, missing the mark a couple of times before he finally thumps his head down and blinks fuzzly at Renjun. Renjun tries not to smile. A drunk Mark is probably the cutest of all the Marks.

 

“I don’t dance,” Renjun says, leaning back against the booth, casting an eye out to the dance floor, searching for the rest of his friends. His heart stops when he sees Jisung on the opposite end of the club, leaning over someone propped against the wall. He glances back at Mark who’s now humming the baseball song from High School Musical to himself, before looking back at Jisung who’s moved away to reveal what could only be Chenle’s figure. _Shit_. “Mark,” Renjun says, prodding at Mark’s shoulder until he sits up with a groan. “Mark, stay here alright? I’ll be right back.”

 

“Are you going to dance?” Mark asks with a sloppy grin. “Good for you.”

 

Renjun rolls his eyes and slides out of the booth, casting an eye back at Mark to make sure he’s staying put before darting around the edge of the dance floor. He catches sight of Jeno first, and grimaces as he wades through the mess of sweaty bodies to grab at Jeno’s arm. Jeno turns to look at him and he breaks out into a wide grin, yanking Renjun closer to dance. Renjun just shakes his head and pulls him backward, out of the mess, not wanting to waste energy on shouting when Jeno won’t hear him anyway.

 

“Chenle’s here,” he says into Jeno’s ear. “I’m going to take Mark home before he sees.”

 

“I’ll come,” Jeno says hurriedly, but Renjun shakes his head.

 

“It’s fine, stay with the others. It’ll be hard to find them in this mess.”

 

Jeno lets him go with a worried look on his face and Renjun shoots him what he hopes is a reassuring smile before hurrying back to Mark. When he reaches the booth, it’s to find Mark slumped over on Chenle’s lap. Renjun takes a deep breath, hesitating, before moving towards them. He’s already exhausted at the thought of this conversation.

 

“Renjun,” Chenle says in surprise, as Renjun nears him.

 

“Hey,” Renjun says, before prodding Mark repeatedly until he opens his eyes to look at him. “We’re going home, come on.”

 

“I can help,” Chenle says quickly, and Renjun lets him. He’s not sure he’ll be able to maneuver Mark into a taxi on his own anyway. Jisung appears just as Chenle is helping Mark out of the booth.

 

“I got the water,” he says breathlessly. His mouth drops open at the sight of Renjun. “Oh. Hi, Renjun.”

 

“Hey,” Renjun nods. He doesn’t miss the look Jisung throws at Chenle, biting his lip desperately.   _Another problem_ , Donghyuck had said, in a warning tone, and Renjun sort of understands what he was talking about.

  


They haul Mark out into the cold, and Renjun welcomes the fresh air, taking deep breaths in the cold. Mark presses his nose into Chenle’s neck and whines when he tries to set him against the wall.

 

“Don’t,” he whines, wrapping his arms around Chenle’s waist. “I like holding you.”

 

“O-oh, okay,” Chenle stutters, and Renjun catches the look he throws Jisung. Something cold lodges in his chest at that look.

 

“I called a cab,” he says, tugging his coat tighter around him. “It’ll be here in five minutes.” There’s a moment of silence where Jisung stares at the ground and Renjun stares at Jisung, debating if he really wants to bring this up or not. The memory of Mark crying on his couch earlier that afternoon makes the decision for him. “So,” he says, shoving his hands in his pockets. “This happened quickly.” He jerks his chin at them.

 

It’s almost amusing how fast Chenle turns pale and Jisung just as equally quickly turns red. Renjun raises an eyebrow at them in silent question.

 

“It’s not what you think,” Chenle stutters, clearly struggling to keep Mark propped up. “Jisungie didn’t do anything-”

 

Mark mumbles something into Chenle’s neck and Chenle freezes.

 

“What?” He asks, in a high voice.

 

“We should break up,” Mark says louder, eyes still closed. “For your own good.”

 

Jisung ducks his head and Renjun cuts his gaze to him. “What are you talking about?” Chenle asks, his voice progressively higher.

 

“Your parents will be happier,” Mark says sadly, hiccuping. “And I won’t ruin our rela-relationship, and you’ll be with Jisung which I know yo-you wanted and-”

 

“Stop talking,” Chenle snaps and it’s the first time since Renjun’s known him that he’s actually seen him angry. His cheeks flare red and he gently pushes Mark away, leaning him against the wall. “Stop talking right now, or I swear, Mark, there really won’t be a relationship for you to ruin.”

 

Mark blinks at him sadly, tipping his head against the wall. “I’m not the one who wanted to ruin it,” he says. “You did that when you kissed him.”

 

Silence falls. Chenle looks like he’s on the verge of tears and Jisung’s eyes have never been wider. Just as Renjun’s beginning to hate himself even more for being a witness to this, the cab pulls up a couple of feet ahead of them, jerking them all out of their reveries.

 

“Cab’s here,” Renjun says shortly, and yanks Mark off the wall. “Come on, we’re going home.”

 

Mark obediently follows him into the cab, slumping against Renjun’s shoulder as soon as he sits down. Renjun nods at Chenle and Jisung, still frozen where they stand, and shuts the door. They sit in silence as the city passes them by, the orange lights washing over Renjun’s face as he stares out the window contemplating what he’d just witnessed.

 

“Are you okay?” He asks quietly.

 

Mark makes a quiet noise. “He’s going to break up with me.”

 

“Shouldn’t you break up with him?” Renjun asks in confusion. “He’s the one that kissed Jisung.”

 

Mark lets out a broken sob, scrubbing clumsily at his face. “I did too.”

 

“What?” Renjun asks, completely thrown off but Mark just slumps closer to him and doesn’t reply.

  
  


Renjun’s lying on the couch, half asleep, when Jeno and Jaemin traipse back in smelling like alcohol and all the unsavoury scents that make up a club.

 

“Mark got home okay?” Jeno asks, swaying on the spot as he tries to take off his shoes while standing on one foot. Jaemin gives up entirely, and just plops down on the floor to fumble at his laces.

 

“He’s fine,” Renjun says, amused despite himself. There’s a knock on the door and Jeno trips on his laces to get it. Donghyuck pokes his head through the crack and grins when he spots Jaemin on the ground.

 

“Just wanted to check all limbs were still attached,” he says cheerfully. “Have a good night.”

 

“Wait,” Renjun calls before the door can close and levers himself off the couch. “Can we talk?” He asks, nudging past Jaemin and out into the hallway, shivering when the cool air hits him.

 

Donghyuck gazes at him contemplatively. “What’s wrong?” He asks.

 

“Nothing’s wrong, really,” Renjun says, rubbing at his arms partly for something to do with his hands. “I just…” He bites his lip, hesitating. “I realised some things today, and I owe you an apology.”

 

He’d been thinking about it since he’d dropped Mark off at his apartment, running Chenle and Jisung’s face through in his mind again and again, thinking of how many things could have prevented one of his closest friends crying into his arm the whole drive home. And he doesn’t want the same happening to him and Donghyuck. If there ever is a him and Donghyuck to happen.

 

Donghyuck’s lips part in surprise. “What for?”

 

Renjun takes a deep breath. This is the hardest part, right here. Having to be truthful, not just to Donghyuck but to himself as well. “I’m not always - or ever, really - open with you. And I realised that I might be, I don’t know, stringing you along, and I hate that you might think that. And I know I’ve got a lot of issues and it’s unfair to ask you to wait, or be with me through them but I’m trying. And I-” _I love you_. That’s far too much. Even if it might be true. “-I like you a lot and I just… I just wanted you to know that. Just if-if you were ever wondering.” He stares furiously at the ground. “I do like you.”

 

Silence. It permeates into Renjun’s ears and he takes a quick, shuddering breath before glancing up tentatively.

 

Donghyuck is smiling. A wide, beautiful, grin stretched across his face. His eyes are shining brighter than Renjun has ever seen them.   

 

“Say something,” Renjun begs, unable to handle the silence. Unable to handle the way Donghyuck’s looking at him.

 

“You’re so stupid, Jun-ah,” Donghyuck says, and every word is breathless. The smile grows wider, if possible. Renjun starts falling apart under that gaze, crumbling like cotton candy under rain. “Of course, I know. You don’t have to explain yourself to me. I’ve always known.”

 

They’re standing there in the hallway, three feet apart and yet, Renjun has never felt closer to him. Something about the flickering light and the shining light in Donghyuck’s eyes makes him more courageous.

 

“You’ve left your fingerprints on my heart,” Renjun confesses, a quiet truth of what he’d known for a very long time. That Donghyuck had scorched his mark on Renjun in the most permanent way, something that burned Renjun up from the inside, made him ache like nothing else ever had. “You’ve made me utterly yours.”

 

Donghyuck takes a deliberate step forward, takes Renjun’s hands in his own. “Oh,” he whispers. There’s something akin to wonder in his eyes. It’s almost unbelievable to Renjun that he’s the cause of that wonder, that he could be the reason Donghyuck looks like that.

 

Renjun takes a shuddering breath. “Just give me some time.” He nearly pleads, quiet and desperate because there’s no one else for him. If Donghyuck lets him go, Renjun will float untethered in the vast expanse of the universe, forever alone, forever longing for what he once lost.

Donghyuck smiles, smaller and softer, but no less beautiful. “You can have all the time you need.” He says. “I’ll be right here, Jun-ah. Waiting for you.”

 

  
  
  
_9\. you still aren’t sure he isn’t a dream_

 

Renjun goes home during the winter break. He never goes home unless he has to, because stepping into his house is like stepping into a mortuary. He always feels half dead when he returns to his childhood home, and it doesn’t feel out of the ordinary, not when so much death hovers around him. His mother hardly says a word to him other than to ask about his grades and Renjun’s fine with it. He only goes home because of the obligation that will worm away at his chest until the guilt swallows him whole. The less that is said between the two of them, the better.

 

He visits his father’s grave with a bouquet of fresh flowers in his hand. He doesn’t know what kind they are, had just picked out the brightest ones in the shop and left before he started sneezing. Donghyuck would have known.

 

He takes his time with his father. Stands there in the gentle snowfall and thinks of all the things he wants to say but is too nervous to verbalise. He thinks his father will hear anyway.

 

Just before he leaves, Renjun sweeps the snow off the top of the grave and bows his head. “I miss you,” he says quietly. There’s an ache in his heart that’s never really gone away and it builds to his throat, makes him blink rapidly to push the oncoming tears back. “I’ll visit soon, I promise.”

 

His father’s grave stands there, silent and strong, just as its occupant had been in life.

  
  


Jeno had come back to their hometown with Renjun, and they drive back to school together when their time is up. Renjun nods a silent goodbye at his mother in the kitchen before he walks out the door, shutting it gently behind him. All the words they had between them have long since dried up; a product of a silent life together.

 

Jeno is like a breath of fresh air after the stifling weeks spent under the suffocating gaze of his mother, and Renjun lets him chatter at him. He cracks open the passenger window and lets the freezing air brush across his face, ignoring Jeno’s whines when it gets too cold. The radio plays Christmas music the whole way back, and Renjun smiles for the first time in a while and hums along.

  
  


It’s a tradition - in that they did it last year and they’re doing it again this year - that they all gather at Renjun, Jaemin, and Jeno’s apartment,easily the biggest out of all of theirs, to exchange Christmas gifts. None of them are particularly ardent celebrators of the holiday and they’re all, with the exception of Chenle, depressingly broke college students, but it’s nice to spend an evening exchanging presents, no matter how shitty they might be, and getting tipsy on a mix of nearly expired champagne and boozy eggnog.

 

To Renjun’s surprise, Mark shows up, despite Chenle and Jisung being there. He’d thought Mark would follow his behaviour over the last two weeks, and just barricade himself in his room listening to Post Malone until Donghyuck threw a shoe at his door to get him to shut up.

 

It isn’t as awkward as Renjun feared it would be, but to be fair - he isn’t really paying attention. Donghyuck showed up in his usual attire, an overly large hoodie and pajamas - this time patterned with the Powerpuff Girls - but he looks so pretty that Renjun can hardly take his eyes off him.

 

“Stop staring,” Donghyuck mutters, nudging his shoulder with his own as they curl up on the couch, Renjun buried in Donghyuck’s arms, giving himself this one night to have what he wants. “It’s making me shy.”

 

“You love it,” Renjun says knowingly, and grins when Donghyuck pouts. “You look beautiful.”

 

Donghyuck stares at him, looking surprised. “What?”

 

Renjun shrugs. “It’s a thing I’m trying; to be more direct with my thoughts, especially when it comes to you. And right now, all I’m thinking is that you look beautiful.”

 

Donghyuck turns red. “I hate you,” he mutters, but the way he shoves his face into Renjun’s neck soon after belies his words.

  


Renjun has a nice little pile of presents in front of him by the end, including a pair of fuzzy socks from Jaemin and a package of tea from Mark. Donghyuck gives him a disposable camera.

 

“My other gift is that five of those photos are my face,” he says, blowing a kiss at Renjun. “You’re welcome in advance.”

 

Renjun rolls his eyes.

  


The rest of the night is spent drinking and playing board games, and ignoring the tension that has settled in the room, particularly in the form of two sad-eyed freshmen. Renjun finds it kind of funny when they all collectively fall silent as Jisung gets up from his seat to cross the room and hand Mark his present.

 

“This is for you,” he says quietly. Mark glances up at him and then ducks his head back down, his hands clenching around the gift. “And I wanted to say… I wanted to say, I’m sorry.”

 

“Nothing to be sorry for,” Mark says roughly, still not looking up at him. “It didn’t work out. Not your fault.”

 

“But we were supposed to,” Jisung says and he looks too young for a second, with his eyes wide and shiny. “That’s what we promised, right? That’s what you promised me.”

 

Mark takes a deep breath and nods, setting the gift gently down on the ground. “Alright,” he says. “Let’s talk.”

 

Renjun turns his gaze away to give them some semblance of privacy, and waits until they file out the front door, a nervous-looking Chenle close on their heels. The rest of them all take a collective breath of relief as soon as the lock clicks.

 

“Finally,” Donghyuck breathes out. “I thought I was going to have to resort to locking them in a closet until they talked.”

 

Jaemin lets out a huffy breath. “This is why I’m single,” he says, flopping back on the ground and wrapping his blanket around himself. “No drama.”

 

“You’re single because Jungwoo won’t acknowledge your presence,” Jeno points out, and Renjun snorts, reaching for the half-full champagne bottle. It’s been far too stressful watching the longing looks and sad gazes being thrown around for the last several hours and he needs something to jumpstart forgetting all of it.

 

“You’re mean when you get drunk,” Jaemin says to Jeno, sounding suitably impressed. Jeno frowns.

 

“I’m not,” he protests sadly.

 

Donghyuck laughs and plops down next to Jaemin, poking at his shoulder until he opens up the blanket to accept him. “I want to play Monopoly,” he says, voice muffled as he burrows under the blanket.

 

“No,” Renjun says. “I told you, no more drunk Monopoly.”

 

Donghyuck pouts at him, and though the sight of him all curled up in a blanket and looking unbearably soft is very soul-destroying, Renjun shakes his head, firm in his stance. “I’m not playing,” he says. “I refuse to be an accomplice in the property destruction that’ll eventually happen.”

 

Jeno laughs, frown having melted away, and passes him the eggnog, taking the champagne in return. “No more champagne for you,” he says. “You get way too talkative on champagne.”

 

Renjun sighs, and lets the bottle go. He’ll get it back eventually.

  


It’s nearing midnight when Donghyuck finally tosses his phone aside and sits up. Renjun blinks at him from the couch where he and Jeno have been watching Say Yes to the Dress and drunkenly scoring all the dresses and brides on a scale from ‘Makes Me Sad I’m Not A Heterosexual’ to ‘Makes Me Glad I’m Not A Heterosexual’. It’s not an entirely linear chart but Renjun can’t wait to try and decipher his notes tomorrow morning.

 

“I don’t think they’re coming back,” Donghyuck says, glancing at the door before turning to look at Renjun. “Can I stay here tonight? I do not want to get in the middle of whatever’s happening there.”

 

Renjun nods and heaves himself off the couch, stumbling for a second before prodding Jaemin’s prone body with a toe. “Come on, Nana,” he says. “You’re going to hate yourself if you sleep here.”

 

“I got him,” Jeno says exasperatedly, sitting up with a groan. Renjun winces when he hears Jeno’s spine pop in multiple places.

 

He abandons Jaemin to Jeno’s hands and leads Donghyuck to his bedroom. “I gotta brush my teeth,” Renjun says, already falling asleep on his feet.

 

“Try not to poke yourself in the eye with the brush,” Donghyuck says, amused, before disappearing into Renjun’s room. Renjun scrunches his nose at his back before stumbling to the bathroom. He hates how champagne affects him after a couple of hours; he gets all dizzy and feels weirdly floaty.

 

By the time he gets back into his room, Donghyuck’s already under the covers, back to scrolling through his phone.

 

Renjun smacks his lips as he gets into bed, frowning. “My mouth tastes weird.”

 

“Yeah, champagne and toothpaste will do that to you,” Donghyuck says, watching him with an amused grin. “You’re adorable when you’re drunk.”

 

Renjun sighs and tugs the blanket over himself, thinking about tastes all of a sudden. His mouth doesn’t taste that good and champagne doesn’t either. But the eggnog had tasted really good, especially with the rum they’d poured in there. “What do you taste like?” He asks Donghyuck, fuzzily.

 

Donghyuck blinks at him. “Huh?”

 

“I always think you’d taste like strawberry,” Renjun says. His eyelids feel like they’re made of lead, forcing him to close his eyes. “Because of your lipgloss.”

 

“Why don’t you find out for yourself?” Donghyuck asks and when Renjun forces his eyes back open, he’s smiling and watching Renjun.

 

“Okay,” Renjun says obediently, and props himself up on one elbow to move closer to Donghyuck, only to be pushed back down.

 

“Not now,” Donghyuck laughs. “Aren’t we eager?”

 

“I’m trying to kiss you.” Renjun pouts because he doesn’t understand why Donghyuck is making this so hard all of a sudden. “Like you asked.”

 

“Well, that’s very kind of you,” Donghyuck drawls, setting his phone down on the bed and stretching up to flick the light off. “But I’d rather we have our first kiss when you’re sober, Jun-ah.”

 

Renjun sighs. His whole body feels weighed down, but he manages to scoot a little closer to Donghyuck, soaking up the warmth that’s emanating off him. “Then I’ll be too scared,” he whispers, eyes closed. “I don’t want to hurt you. Everyone I love always ends up hurt.”

 

There’s a soft intake of breath and then Donghyuck’s hand curls into his, an echo of so long ago. “You won’t,” he says, quietly. “I trust you.”

 

“Okay,” Renjun agrees, and then sleep takes him before he can say anything.

 

Donghyuck laughs faintly, a fading sound that will carry over into Renjun’s dreams. “Okay,” he says, holding Renjun close.

 

  
  
_10\. if you kiss him, you might wake up_

 

Practically overnight, Mark emerges from his self-imposed isolation with, not one, but _two_ boyfriends. Renjun watches them giggle over nothing in his living room with a faint feeling of incredulity. How Mark manages to get two of the happiest people following his grumpy ass, Renjun will never understand.

 

“Are you jealous?” Jaemin sings near his ear. Renjun turns around to find him leaning close to Renjun with a wicked smile on his face.

 

“Why would I be?” Renjun asks, throwing another glance at the living room just in time to witness Chenle climbing into Mark’s lap, Jisung watching them with a disgustingly sappy look on his face. “Don’t you have apartments of your own to do this in?” He calls at them, only to be ignored. With a huff, Renjun turns back to his tea, stirring it grumpily.

 

“Love is in the air,” Jaemin sighs, a happy look on his face. “We should celebrate.”

 

“No more drinking,” Jeno warns, coming into the kitchen. “I’m somehow still hungover from last week.”

 

Jaemin glowers at him. “My ideas don’t always revolve around alcohol, you know.”

 

“Only the bad ones,” Renjun agrees, draining his tea and putting his mug in the sink, ignoring Jaemin’s protests. “I’m heading out.”

 

“Good luck!” Jeno calls, and Jaemin echoes the sentiment as Renjun slips on his shoes, waving at the Mark-Chenle-Jisung ball in the middle of his living room before shutting the door behind him.

 

He’s got a final interview to intern at the city hospital over the summer in thirty minutes, and Renjun weirdly doesn’t feel nervous at all. The weather is unusually warm and Renjun slips his scarf off his neck within five minutes, folding it carefully in his bag.

  


His phone chimes just as he’s a couple of feet away from the hospital entrance, and Renjun hesitates before opening it.

 

**Mom (11:55 am):**

Good luck.

 

Renjun stares at his phone. He doesn’t even know how his mom remembered his interview was today. He’d mentioned it once, vaguely in passing over a stilted dinner before falling back to silence, but he definitely hadn’t mentioned the date. Maybe Jeno had told her.

 

His fingers hover over the screen, trying to think of what to say, before the time catches his eye and makes his decision for him.

 

**You (11:56 am):**

Thanks, Mom.

 

Renjun pushes the phone into his bag, silenced, and hurries through the front doors. He can’t afford to be late.

  
  


Donghyuck is standing near the doors when Renjun steps out of the hospital, nearly an hour later, exhilarated from the adrenaline of the interview, from the decisions made.

 

“You got it,” Donghyuck says after one look at Renjun’s face. “You got it!”

 

“I did,” Renjun agrees, still breathless, and Donghyuck lets out a little yell and throws his arms around him. Renjun hugs him back, his heart pounding so loud, he’s sure Donghyuck can feel it.

 

“I’m so proud of you,” Donghyuck says, drawing back, eyes shining in delight. “You did so well, Jun-ah. I’m so, so proud of you.”

 

“Thank you,” Renjun says. He’s happier than he’s ever been. He’s going to be an intern, he’s going to be able to help people. After wanting it for so long, he can hardly believe it’s in his hands now, ready for the taking. Then he pauses and blinks at Donghyuck. “Wait, what are you doing here?”

 

“I’m here to take you out to lunch, of course,” Donghyuck says, sliding his hand into Renjun’s and tugging him down the street. “We’re celebrating!”

 

Renjun laughs as Donghyuck skips down the street, yanking him along. The happiness rises higher and higher in his chest, making him feel like he’s about to fly away.

  
  


It’s only when they’re halfway through the meal, Renjun chattering about how terrifying his interviewer seemed, that Donghyuck looks up from his food, a hesitant look on his face.

 

“And I thought she was honestly going to eat me alive, and - what’s wrong?” Renjun breaks off in the middle of his sentence to tilt his head at Donghyuck. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

 

Donghyuck takes a sip of his drink, clearly deliberating. “You know I trust you, right?”

 

Renjun blinks at him. “I know? What do you-”

 

“- I mean with my heart,” Donghyuck blurts. Almost immediately, he turns pink, but he keeps looking steadily at Renjun. “I trust you with my heart.” Renjun’s mouth falls open and Donghyuck smiles as he continues. “I don’t think you’ll hurt me, so you shouldn’t be scared. Because I trust you. With all of me.”

 

“I…” Renjun starts and then trails off, not knowing where to go from there.

 

Donghyuck takes Renjun’s hand in his own and strokes his thumb over the back of it, making Renjun shiver. “I just wanted you to know that.”

 

“Hyuck,” Renjun says, and his voice sounds hoarse even to his own ears. “You can’t know that for sure.”

 

“Yeah,” Donghyuck nods. “Yeah, I do. Because you’re you. And I’m me. That’s how I know.”

 

Renjun looks down at the table, suddenly overwhelmed. “Oh,” he says, at a loss for words. He blinks rapidly. “Oh.”

 

Donghyuck tightens his grip on his hand. “Don’t cry,” he says, helplessly. “I don’t know what I’ll do if you cry.”

 

“I’m not,” Renjun says, blatantly pushing back his tears. “You just surprised me, that’s all.”

 

When he looks up at Donghyuck, he’s met with a fond smile. “Oh, Jun-ah,” he says quietly. “I’ll tell you that as many times as it takes for you not to be surprised.”

 

When Renjun takes a shaky breath, to gather some strength to smile back at Donghyuck, he realises that for the first in forever, it doesn’t burn.

 


	2. reasons to kiss him:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was written entirely while listening to sea by bts on repeat.

_1.because he’s beautiful_

 

Spring flowers around them in a sudden rush of blooming buds and the return of chirping birds. Renjun never realised how silent winter really was until he’s awakened to the sound of birds singing outside his window every morning.

 

Spring, however, means the return of classes, and Renjun wearily readies himself for another five months of exhaustion, of running to stay ahead of his classes while somehow trying to catch up at the same time. But it’s somehow easier this time around, and Renjun doesn’t notice what’s different until he meets up with Donghyuck at the tiny coffee shop in the middle of their university to study.

 

“Hey honey,” Donghyuck sings, very obviously dragging his eyes up Renjun’s body and meeting his gaze with a smirk. “Looking good.”

 

“I always look good,” Renjun says easily as he sits down, and Donghyuck laughs, sliding a cup of coffee over to him.

 

“That you do,” he agrees. “How was class?” Renjun grimaces in lieu of a response and Donghyuck laughs again. “That bad?”

 

“I’m never going to be a doctor,” Renjun mutters, dropping his head down on the table. “I’m going to wither away in the Chem stacks before that happens.”

 

“Oh, please,” Donghyuck says, and Renjun feels his fingers drag gently through his hair, patting his head before retreating. “I’d never let that happen to you. Imagine the dust.” He wrinkles his nose adorably as Renjun sits back up.

 

“I can’t believe that the dust is the only reason you would do that.” Renjun mutters mulishly, taking his coffee back.

 

“There’s a couple of other reasons,” Donghyuck says sweetly. “I guess you’ll have to suss them out for yourself.”

 

“I’m sure I’ll be able to handle it,” Renjun says, unable to stop himself from smiling at him.

 

Donghyuck grins back at him before flipping open his notebook and ducking over his notes. Renjun gazes at him a while longer, fondness bubbling up in his chest as he traces over Donghyuck’s figure, lit up by the sun behind him, and thinks to himself how lucky he is. How lucky he is to have someone like Donghyuck in his life, who stays by his side no matter how hard he tried to push him away, who exists as the brightest light in Renjun’s life. Donghyuck glances up at him and taps Renjun’s book with his pen, winking at him. Renjun smiles and grabs Donghyuck’s hand, kissing it quickly before letting him go and looking down at his own books. Even without looking up, he can feel the strength of Donghyuck’s smile. It lights up the world brighter than the sun behind him does.

  
  


They stay until the sky begins to ominously darken, big, black clouds rolling in and making the night fall quicker.

 

“Come on,” Renjun says, quickly dropping his stuff into his bag. “I really don’t want to get caught in that downpour.”

 

They’re a couple hundred feet from the bus stop when a large crack sounds through the air, and in the next minute, rain comes pouring down.

 

“What the hell!” Renjun yelps, hugging his book bag to his chest. Donghyuck lets out a laugh, and snatches his hand.

 

“Come on!” He says, a wide grin on his face, and they run, heads ducked to grant some relief, however small, against the rain coming down in sheets around them. Donghyuck’s hand is tight and warm around his as they hurry to the shelter of the bus station.

 

Renjun slams against the back of the bus stand, gasping for air, and Donghyuck follows, laughing loudly as he does so.

 

“I’m soaked,” Renjun sighs, staring down at his muddy shoes and sopping wet jeans.

  
“That was so much fun,” Donghyuck giggles, sticking an already wet hand back into the downpour. “The rain’s warm. I didn’t expect that.”

 

“We’re going to be freezing in a few seconds,” Renjun points out. Without the warm water continuously running down him, the wind whips through his clothes, making him shiver.

 

Donghyuck just grins. “Live a little, Jun-ah,” he says. “Things dry, but you won’t ever get that feeling again.”

 

“How philosophical,” Renjun says, dryly. His attention is caught by a drop of water dripping slowly down the curve of Donghyuck’s cheek, clinging to the edge of his jaw before falling off. Renjun’s lips tingle and he presses them together. “Hey, Hyuck.”

 

Donghyuck turns to look at him, drawing his hand back under the overhang. “You only call me that when you want something,” he says knowingly.

 

“Do I?” Renjun asks, smiling. “Perhaps, I’ve become too predictable.”

 

“Maybe I let you have too many things,” Donghyuck counters. “I should be a more withholding boyfriend, like Jisung.”

 

Renjun snorts. “You clearly haven’t been a victim of his PDA, then. Withholding is not the word I’d use at all,” he considers, tracing the lines of Donghyuck’s face with his eyes, the curve of his neck where his pulse jumps, alive. “I’m going to ask you for another thing, I’m afraid.”

 

“What is it?”

 

Renjun steps closer. The rain drowns out all other noises, including his own heartbeat, but he can feel it, pounding louder and faster in his chest. “Can I kiss you?”

 

Donghyuck smiles. “You sure know how to pick your moments, Jun-ah.”

 

“Yeah,” Renjun breathes. He can’t stop looking at Donghyuck’s lips. “Is that a yes?”

 

“It’s always been a yes,” Donghyuck breathes, and Renjun kisses him.

 

It’s the kind of kiss that would make the music swell in a movie, as the camera spins endlessly around them, faster and faster until they either break apart or fall together, dizzy and out of breath. Renjun slides his hands slowly up Donghyuck’s sides, tracing out every dip and curve of his body, pulling him as close as he can, before cupping his face in his hands, kissing him again. His bag lands somewhere at his feet, but Renjun hardly notices because Donghyuck makes a sound, soft and wanting, and it’s all Renjun can do not to shatter apart right there. Donghyuck’s hands find their way to his hips, mirroring the way he’d held him so long ago, in that cramped bathroom at Yukhei’s party, the smoke hovering around them, making Renjun dizzy. There’s nothing else to make him dizzy now, only Donghyuck, pressing ever closer, his thumbs sliding under Renjun’s shirt, pressing into his hip bones, tattooing his thumbprints onto him.

 

Renjun pulls away, breathing unsteadily, and he stares at Donghyuck as he slowly opens his eyes. Donghyuck looks wrecked, and Renjun can only imagine what his own face looks like.

 

“You’re beautiful,” he says hoarsely.

 

“You always say that,” Donghyuck says. His chest is rising and falling quickly, brushing against Renjun, and his lips are swollen, pink and inviting. How had he gone so long without this? How had Renjun survived without knowing what Donghyuck felt like against him? What he tasted like?

 

“It’s always true,” Renjun says truthfully.

 

The rain thunders on around them and lightning flashes across the sky, but Renjun can’t tear his eyes away.

 

  
  
  
_2\. because he asked_

 

“Jun-ah.”

 

Renjun looks away from his book for a second to glance at Donghyuck, half sprawled over Renjun’s stomach, half over the bed. He’d been sleepily watching a nature documentary on his laptop for the last hour while Renjun had been taking painstaking notes on the cardiovascular system. But Donghyuck’s turned over now, gazing at Renjun with a mischievous look in his eyes.

 

“I’m busy,” Renjun warns, uncapping his highlighter pointedly. It’d been a relatively slow week in his classes, but that just means more time for Renjun to catch up on his readings.

 

“I’m insulted that you would think, even for a second, that I would take away from your _precious_ studying time,” Donghyuck huffs, propping himself up on an elbow, and Renjun knows that if he doesn’t put a stop to this soon, he’ll be faced with a nonsensical rant.

 

Donghyuck opens his mouth to continue and Renjun snaps his book shut. “What do you need, Donghyuck?

 

Donghyuck grins, satisfied. He pushes his laptop away and slides into Renjun’s lap, bearing a strong likeness to the pushiest of Jeno’s cats as he nudges Renjun’s textbook off his lap and snuggles up to him, wrapping his arms around Renjun’s neck. “I’ve been thinking,” he says slowly, eyes lighting up in delight as Renjun tips his head back against the headboard to meet his gaze. “About a question.”

 

“Have you now?” Renjun asks. He thinks he knows where this is going, as Donghyuck pointedly looks at him, as he swipes his tongue out to wet his lips, but he didn’t just give up precious study time to give in so easily to Donghyuck. He ignores the fact that if Donghyuck just asked, he’d give in instantly.

 

“ _Your_ question, in fact,” Donghyuck agrees, humming. “One that I would like to ask you myself.”

 

Renjun tilts his head. “And what question is that?”

 

“Jun-ah,” Donghyuck breathes before he grins, wicked and disarming. “What do you taste like?”

 

Renjun’s heart skips a beat but he forces himself to keep his expression steady. “I don’t know if that’s something I can answer.”

 

“And why not?”

 

Renjun arches an eyebrow silently. “I have a ton of studying to do, Hyuckie.” _Dammit._

 

Donghyuck looks like a smug cat. “Hyuckie,” he parrots as he settles more into Renjun’s lap. “I guess you can answer it after all.”

 

Renjun can’t help the smile that spreads over his face. “I don’t know. Can I?”

 

“Oh well,” Donghyuck looks put out. “Guess I’ll have to do all the work myself.”

 

When their lips meet, Renjun’s halfway into a laugh and Donghyuck’s grinning against his mouth. Donghyuck smacks a sweet kiss, once, twice, before giggling sweetly and kissing him again. Renjun chases him when he pulls away, intent on keeping him close.

 

“Hyuck,” Renjun whispers, and his voice already sounds half-destroyed to his own ears. He stares up at Donghyuck, shaky. One kiss from Donghyuck has reduced him so low, has brought him to a shuddering mess, unable to move, unable to think.

  


Donghyuck smiles down at him, soft and sweet, and his hands come up to cup Renjun’s cheeks. “Move down,” he says, and changes their positions, straddling Renjun’s waist, his hands coming up to brace on either side of Renjun’s head. He pushes him back on the bed before grinning wickedly. It makes Renjun’s heart jump. “Let me show you what a proper kiss tastes like.”

 

It’s soft. That’s the first thing Renjun feels. It’s a firmer pressure than their first kiss, but it’s still soft, and Donghyuck is warm, his hands sliding further up the bed so his body pushes into Renjun’s and makes him gasp. It occurs to Renjun, almost immediately, as Donghyuck licks into his mouth, clearly intent on literally figuring out the answer to his question, that he had no idea what a Donghyuck Kiss would feel like. That the sample he’d gotten at the bus station was just that, a fragment of what was to come. Donghyuck pulls back briefly to grin, swiping his tongue over his lower lip before kissing him again, tongue dipping into Renjun’s mouth, tracing dizzying patterns around his own. Renjun makes a noise, desperate and needy, something just adjacent to a whine, and his hands fly up to grip Donghyuck’s waist, catching on the warm skin underneath his loose shirt and he tugs him closer, deepening the kiss. Donghyuck lets out a quiet noise as he angles his head, one hand slipping up into Renjun’s hair, tugging at the strands, and Renjun breaks. Wraps his legs around Donghyuck’s waist and yanks him down against his body and kisses him like he deserves. Donghyuck responds with the prettiest noise and Renjun revels in it, drinks it in.

  
They break apart, breathing unsteadily, and Donghyuck stares at him, lips parted and swollen, as beautiful as he’s ever been.

 

“How- how did that taste?” Renjun asks breathlessly, hand coming up to touch his mouth dazedly. His lips tingle at the touch and he pulls his fingers away. It makes him want to kiss Donghyuck like that all over again and so he does; leans up on his elbows and catches Donghyuck’s bottom lip between his teeth, tugging him in for another kiss, this time open mouthed and just a little bit filthy, because he has to hear Donghyuck make that sound again. He doesn’t think he can live without it.

 

“Sweet.” Donghyuck says breathlessly, in between kisses. “Just like I knew you would.”

 

  
  
_3\. because he preceded please with, I’m not afraid of you_

 

The spring semester also signals the coming of Donghyuck’s showcase, and Renjun barely sees him before it. Donghyuck had been locking himself up in the practice rooms of the music building with a gallon of warm water, holed up for hours, day after day, and three days before the showcase, Renjun finally finds time in between his classes to go down and see him.

 

He finds Donghyuck at the end of the hallway, and peers through the window in the door to see him facing the corner, singing the same line over and over again. Renjun takes a deep breath before knocking gently on the door and pushing it open.

 

“Hello stranger,” he says, leaning against the door jamb as Donghyuck turns around. Renjun frowns as he takes in Donghyuck’s figure and his tired eyes. “You’ve lost weight. How have you lost weight already?”

 

“I’ve been stressed,” Donghyuck mutters, taking a large gulp of water and coughing a little.

 

“And apparently not eating,” Renjun murmurs, closing the door behind him and carefully stepping closer to Donghyuck. “Can I touch you?”

 

“Please,” Donghyuck says, and it comes out like a sob, tired and drained, and Renjun immediately gathers Donghyuck up into his arms, holding him tight. Donghyuck clings back, pressing his nose into the crook of Renjun’s neck and sniffling. “I sound awful.”

 

“No, you don’t.” Renjun refutes, still holding him. “I heard you a month ago and you’ve practiced so much, I know all you’ve done is improve.”

 

“What if I fail, Jun-ah? There’s so many companies coming. What if I choke and I can’t perform? What then?”

 

Renjun closes his eyes. Tries to think of the right words. “Then you’ll try again. This isn’t the end, Hyuck.” He turns his head and presses a kiss against Donghyuck’s temple. “But all of this is irrelevant because you’re going to do amazing anyway. Okay?”

 

Donghyuck exhales. “Okay.”

 

They stand there, swaying just a little, from side to side, Renjun’s lips pressed against Donghyuck’s head, hoping to inject all the support and love he has into that one kiss. After a bit, Renjun pulls away, just far enough to look at his face. “Please take a break?” He asks gently. “Just for some dinner, and then you can come right back, I won’t stop you.”

 

Donghyuck looks torn. “I need to practice,” he starts, but Renjun holds firm.

 

“One hour,” he says. “Take a break for one hour.”

 

Donghyuck frowns. “One hour for dinner?”

 

“Thirty minutes for dinner,” Renjun says, a smile creeping onto his face. “Thirty minutes for us to make out.”

 

Donghyuck narrows his eyes. “You drive a tough bargain.” He pulls back, brushing the hair from his eyes and sticking his hand out. “You’re lucky I accept.”

 

Renjun grabs his hand and tugs him in for a kiss. Pulls away to kiss his cheeks, his forehead, his nose before kissing his lips again. “Lucky me,” he agrees, breathless.

  
  


Spring passes by in a blur and Renjun can hardly take it all in before it whisks past him. Donghyuck is easily the best part of his days, and Renjun’s pretty sure he’s become addicted to the way Donghyuck’s mouth feels against his. He’s not complaining though; this is one addiction he’s willing to spend the rest of his life completely destroyed by.

  
  


“I don’t want to do this,” Renjun says. There’s nervousness climbing in his throat, the fear making his stomach turn over, and he clutches Donghyuck’s hand tighter.

 

“Yes, you do,” Donghyuck reassures him.

 

They both stare up at the gleaming sign to the hospital.

 

“You don’t know what I want,” Renjun mutters, not really meaning it.

 

Donghyuck lets out a low laugh and turns Renjun to face him. “Yes, I do,” he says, and cups Renjun’s face gently in his hands. “I know lots of things, I’m very smart. I know you’re going to ace your first day. I know you’re going to be amazing.” He kisses the tip of Renjun’s nose and Renjun smiles without meaning to. “And here’s another thing I know: I’m going to be right here, waiting for you when your shift ends. So you go in and you do the best you can, because you’ve got someone waiting for you at the end. Okay?”

 

Renjun takes a shaky breath. “Okay.”

 

Donghyuck kisses him again. “Okay,” he says sweetly. “Go on, Jun-ah.” His eyes sparkle at Renjun. “Or should I say, Doctor Huang?”

 

Renjun despises the rush of heat that swells in his stomach at that. “Shut up,” he says, but he can feel his face flaming.

 

Donghyuck laughs as he kisses him again before turning him to the door. “Go on Dr. Huang,” he sings. “Make me proud.”

 

“I always do,” Renjun says, turning back to get a final look at him.

 

Donghyuck tilts his head, grinning. “I know.”

  
  
  


Donghyuck’s waiting for him when he gets out of his shift, almost sixteen hours later. Renjun’s never felt more tired in his life. Every bone in his body aches and he’s pretty sure his muscles are operating on autopilot.

 

“Hey honey,” Donghyuck sings, pulling him into a hug with a fond smile on his face. Renjun sags into him, trusting Donghyuck to hold him up. “How was work?”

 

“Exhausting,” Renjun says, his voice muffled from where his face is pressed into Donghyuck’s chest. He smiles, thinking of the rush of the shift, of how much he’d learned already, of the nervousness that had been drowned out in the whirling dizziness of hospital life. “Amazing.”

 

He can feel more than see Donghyuck’s smile. “I’m so proud of you,” Donghyuck says, resting his chin on top of Renjun’s head. Renjun pulls away unsteadily, and smiles exhaustedly at Donghyuck.

 

“Thank you,” Renjun says and without even realising it, cups Donghyuck’s face and kisses him sweetly, square on the mouth.

 

Donghyuck licks his lips, an overwhelmingly fond look in his eyes as they part and holds out his hand for Renjun to hold. “Come on Jun-ah,” he says softly. “Let’s go home.”

 

Renjun takes it and doesn’t let go.

**Author's Note:**

> this is the first renhyuck I've written that ended on a happy note and I want to thank you guys for reading them in all their softness and fondness for each other!
> 
>  [twt](https://twitter.com/_donghyuck_)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/hyxcheis)  
> [if you like my work and would like to support me!](https://ko-fi.com/hyxcheis)
> 
>  
> 
>    
> if you're interested, donghyuck's [outfit](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/09/ca/7c/09ca7c8eaf1bc38692a22c9cd2824680.jpg) at the party  
> and [renjun's](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/9b/08/cf/9b08cfed10cd220b539e5c868304e489.jpg)  
> 


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